Day 21

Sometimes I feel like being a child is a bit of a sham. You spend that whole time seeing adults and they make adulting look freaking AMAZING. All you want to do is be an adult. You play games where you pretend to be adults, you play with toys that are adults – even if they are unrealistic ones (I’m looking at you Barbie.)- and you think about how awesome life will be when you are an adult.

You grow a little, you’re an adolescent, and that’s when you get the first clue that adulting may not be as fun as you thought it might be. At this point you have chores (a job), more and more homework (responsibilities), you are worried about who likes whom (interpersonal relationships – drama), and you have to go to bed and get up every day to do the same stuff (school). At this point some kids realize that adults may have been lying this whole time and others still think once they are grown and out of school the world will be their oyster…

…and sometimes they learn it’s a rotten oyster (Do oyster rot?). You get to college and it’s clear that adults have been lying. While trying to not fail at college you’re holding down 1 (2…3…) job(s) and trying to be a person as well. You get the idea that your time isn’t really your own, and that starts to become ok…not really, but ok.

And now you’re out of college working in the field you have just spent or borrowed thousands upon thousands for (Maybe? Or maybe you’re working where you can get a pay check since that fancy piece of paper didn’t yield the end result you expected…). You wake up every day and go to work, you come home, eat, goof off a bit (write in your Bullet Journal or your newly formed blog), and then you go to bed and repeat.

Was this what the adults of my childhood were doing? Did they have these same down thoughts that I am having today. They made adulting look so much cooler than what I am experiencing. But, on the other hand, I did just eat some Girl Scout Cookies (Caramel deLites – my favorite) because I wanted to. I went and bought these cute little owl hand warmers, because I make my own money and can buy that kind of whimsical crap. I get to listen to whatever I want on the radio in my car (in my case an Pod Cast or audio book). I can go to bed whenever I want…while understanding the ramifications of that choice. I can buy as much Harry Potter stuff as I want (job…again)!

So maybe the problem isn’t that I/we feel lied to once we cross the bridge to adulthood, maybe we just loose sight of those simple pleasures of childhood. As a kid my family couldn’t afford whimsical things, they were a waste of money. I had NO – NONE…ZERO- control over the radio, which is something I always hated. Bed time, hello, the bane of every kids’ existence is somewhat nonexistent for us. And oh, sweet Order of Merlin First Class, I can buy anything I want (after I have covered the necessities in my life of course) that has even the remotest of connection to The Boy Who Lived.

Maybe the joy of being an adult, even when adulting sucks big time (like today for  me…), is that we have the luxury and means (for the most part…) of indulging our inner child. We can finally have those things we so coveted as children. The problem is, now, somehow we want more and simultaneously we don’t appreciate what we have.

Now I am going to go to bed and take my fun wool socks that I also bought today with me. I will brush my teeth, hop into bed, read a little, then pass out.

Being an adult doesn’t seem so bad now…

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Day 20

My fingerless gloves – my franken-mits! – are coming along nicely! I am very happy about these. I feel like the real test will be if I can recreate the mate for Righty. 

I finished the wrist-palm-to the first knuckle of my fingers bit. I’ve joined everything that needs joining and now I am on the thumb part. This is the part I’ve been concerned with the most. I’ve never made gloves. So far I’ve been winging this (I tend to wing as many things as possible.) based on my knowledge of crocheting…all 5 years of it…which is obviously limited. We shall see though. My hope is to have Righty finished tomorrow!!

On another note…I am proceeding with some scaring stuff all in the name of a possible baby. /sigh It starts with an ultrasound to confirm the presence of a cyst or blocked tube and ends with minor surgery. I’ve never had surgery before. I keep telling myself it’s for a good cause, but I get simultaneously sad and mad. 

Sad because this shouldn’t be so difficult. My body is supposed to make a baby. I wallow a bit until I am reminded that I am certainly not alone and I cannot really assume the my body will work in any way and just should be happy that it converts oxygen to carbon dioxide and food into energy. 

Mad because I feel like this whole infertility thing, at least for us, has been so one sided. I’ve been poked, prodded, drained, scanned, flooded, hurt, and pained by this process. My husband has deposited his bit and had his balls touched. The. End. As mentioned in a previous post, we have unexplained infertility. We are seemingly healthy and no one knows why we haven’t made a baby yet. I guess women just have more bits and bobs to bother? /sigh

This is our last hope and, honestly,  I know I’d take all the pain in the world to hold our baby. 

I started 1984 last night…and by start I mean I read like 4 pages before I passed out (which I think is going to repeat tonight). So far, I like it. 

Day 11

After waiting a month (one of those weeks because the coordinator was on vacation) to see if we qualify for this study that may help us have a baby I find out we don’t qualify. This is after it’s  clear that this woman (the coordinator) didn’t even look at the info my doctor sent over…so she probably would have forgotten about me. Anyway, why don’t we qualify you ask? Good question. I have a paraovarian cyst (that was caused by fertility meds) that my main doctor told me not to worry about – it’s not a big deal, he says. Well this “not a big deal” is the only thing keeping us out of the study. /sigh This super helpful coordinator (I really would like a sarcasm font for instances like this.) says she’ll email my doctor. I don’t trust that or her so I called and left a message myself. You never actually talk to the doctor unless they call you. I gave him the short version and asked if we could he Mr. “not a big deal” out so that my husband and I could qualify for the study. And now we play the waiting game. /double sigh 

Mondays are bad enough. This Monday was tremendously bad, which isn’t fair.

On the up side I got some pretty awesome yarn at Michaels; it’ll make a cool hat. (I post it when I’m done.) 

Day 10

Today was busier than anticipated. I went food shopping, ate, worked on something for potentially starting a novel in earnest, cleaned, then I made cookies, cooked dinner, served dinner, and then I got some time to myself. This time, of course, is tainted by the fact that I need to go to bed…5am will be here no matter what.

On the up side, I have some pretty tasty butter cookies and some yummy spaghetti squash – Thank you Pinterest!

Day 8

This has been one hell of a week. I don’t know if it’s me or what. It has just been/felt horrible and has made me feel like I can’t do my job anymore. Here’s hoping that next week is better.

On the upside, we watched The Imitation Game tonight and it was awesome. Benedict Cumberbatch is just a great actor. Also, my dog is such a sweetie; she just LOVES to cuddle! Even on the worst days that warms my heart.

I think I may pursue a lifetime wish to learn ASL. Some local community colleges offer a couple of classes and then after that it seems like I just practice…

Another thing I found, which I found interesting, was this. I have always toyed with writing a novel…but lacked the structure.  I’d like to believe that this could help me. A quick search to understand this Google Sheet led me to this page. Maybe I will add this as an objective in my Bullet Journal.