Day 1

My resolution was to blog something everyday about my life. My resolution was to blog the good, the bad, the awkward, the amusing, the <insert vague concept here>. As it’s 10:25 on the first day of this new year and I haven’t even gotten on my computer (I am typing this on my phone…) I figured I should get to it. 

The thought that is weighing on me is our, my husband and my, inability to produce an offspring. We’ve been trying for 2.5 years and we continue to try. We are nearing the end of our options, however, and that is depressing. After about 7 IUIs (inter uterine inseminations), about a dozen rounds of Clomid and about 4 rounds of Letrozole (Femera) with the Ovidrel “trigger shot”(all fertility medications), and some months off to get back into a better place mentally/trying the “old fashioned way”  I lay here completely unpregnant. I lay here feeling as if I have failed at the most basic thing my body is supposed to do. 

We’ve stumped to fertility clinics; we are in perfect health and should be making babies, but we’re not. We have one more hope and then that’s it. IVF is just not something we can even consider. We don’t have the spare $15k to bankroll that endeavor. 

So, there it is, day one of the new year and it’s haunted by the 2.5 failing years that came before it. If you’re reading this and you feel alone because you’re going through something similar I hope you feel less alone. Struggling with infertility is not something that gets talked about so it feels like (for me anyway) you’re a freak left on your tiny island – alone. This can be crippling. 

I’ve shed my fair share of tears over this feeling. I hope that knowing you’re not alone helps you to shed a few less because, let’s be honest, they are still going to come. You’ll get up on that morning, the day of your “missed” period, which you have dutifully tracked. You’ll get your test out, you’ll pee on a stick, you’ll wait, you’ll be disappointed (again), and you’ll cry. Another month and no baby – no hope. The weight is unbearable and you’ll feel like you can’t go on; you go on anyway. 

I’d like to believe that this makes us stronger, that it will just make the day when the test is positive that much sweeter. Maybe that’s just a lie I tell myself. It’s a good one though and I will keep telling myself it.